In the absence of social customs, all human societies will develop their own. Courtesy is nothing more than a meaningless set of instructions without a society to support it. You can't follow them blindly; they have no force or power. Courtesy is not a thing you put on like a mask, the way you put on clothes before going out in public. It's more like an invisible pair of glasses that allow you to see more clearly and accurately so that you can make better decisions about what to do next. Note that this does not mean that there are no hard-and-fast rules of courtesy. Instead, it means that the rules are not arbitrary."
Yet, it is one of the qualities everybody admires in other people and the rarer ones they practice themselves. It is not enough to be courteous; you have to mean it: trying to be courteous, with your heart not in it, is worse than not being courteous at all. This is because courtesy is not just a set of behaviors but a way of looking at the world. The alternative way of looking at the world is exactly what courtesy is trying to correct. You are trying to do unto others what you would like them to do unto you. If you are unwilling to extend that goodwill to everyone, it is not goodwill.
Courtesy is a form of reciprocity. It works best when you recognize that the person you are dealing with is human and deserves the same dignity as you. A simple example is holding the door for someone coming up behind you. You are not helping this person because they will "owe you one." You are helping because this is what people should do for each other, in your view, and there is no reason not to extend it to this particular person in particular circumstances. Treating others as fellow humans can be a challenge if they are doing something that violates your sense of courtesy, especially if they seem oblivious of your presence. Before reacting, ask yourself: Is this person violating my sense of courtesy because they don't know any better? If so, do what you would want someone else to do: explain the situation pleasantly but clearly. On the other hand, if the violation comes from someone who knows better, think about why they are doing it. For example, it might be worth asking whether you are misjudging the situation; maybe there are reasons why this person feels entitled to violate your sense of courtesy without being corrected.
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